This is my story about my recent walk with God, though I have been a proclaimed Christian my entire life. I haven’t always been close in my relationship with God. It’s been over the recent years, I’ve truly gained a few pearls of wisdom through my trials. Here, I share them with you today.
God always has a way. His will is the way. The master plan is already set and submitting yourself to the plan is a leap of faith. Once you’re in God’s master plan, the peace and joy you will feel is not measurable at all.
I knew I had given God the wheel, when I fought off the worry and the brainstorming for answers and GAVE IT TO GOD.
There was a long period of time where I pushed myself to the max. Each day was something to prove, to achieve a new mountain. During that time, I did indeed achieve much! Nursing school, management jobs where I climbed the ladder from the bottom to the top, even before my college education.
When I look back at those times, I remember how strong I felt. When I didn’t perform to the extent that I wanted to, to achieve whatever it was that I wanted to achieve, I felt like a failure, not good enough, lazy, not smart, something is wrong with me.
In all areas of my life, I needed to be strong. I’m a capable woman, and I can get through this without tears, without too much pity. When people hurt me, I would build a bigger wall that would prevent any further pain from reaching me.
I felt like I protected myself. I provided for myself and my own. I worked hard to do what needed to be done, because if not me, who else would? I felt like my existence resided in being a strong, sturdy, passionate success for myself and my son. So many people have their significant others, a hand from a family who financially supports their every move, but I didn’t need that. No, too big of a risk. To put that kind of trust in anyone else.
As I begun to allow myself to have a relationship with God, I found myself running into walls in every direction. Until there was only one path to go down, one choice to be had. Even to this day, I find myself in trials too big for this once “strong” woman who defeated giants daily, or so it seemed. There were nights I spent knelt on the ground, with my face in the carpet, a fountain of tears, so many tears, I was afraid I had broken my sinuses at times. Praying to God, please help me! Please help me, I can’t do this.
Suddenly after so many prayers, I found myself reading the Bible and bolting into verses that left me with these “AHA!!” Moments were suddenly prayers, questions, trials and just life started to emerge into such black and white answers. It was undeniable that God had moved in my life, that he was taking care of me.
It was during the most difficult times of my life, I found myself closest to God. When I gave him all the worries, the sorrows, when I gave him my “strength” my “strong woman” persona. When you turn to God with your pain, when you have those “aha” moments and you understand His power, you’ll never feel a stronger peace, a more beautiful joy.
You see, during those times I fought so hard to be strong, to climb corporate ladders, to do the most for my family, during those times I felt myself to be a God-fearing woman as well. But it wasn’t until I laid down my burdens, until I wept in prayer and surrendered myself to God, that I felt joy or peace in my life.
One of the many “aha” moments in my life, was realizing that the light unto my path, my bread of life, my purpose, my strength, my purpose was found in God, because of God and through him. He is the strength. Putting faith of a mustard seed in the Provider, Almighty God, King of Kings means that you take off the crown you feel you deserve as a “strong woman” (or man) and the ego that is created from your fleshly self-feeling the need to build walls, to work hard, to not be hurt. It seems like you’re coming from a place of whole heartedness, like you’re bearing the cross of heartache and hard work and sacrifice, but really during those times your ego is running, and your spirit is fleeting.
God is my provider; His will is my way. My purpose is known by Him, my purpose is in His timing. I don’t have to worry about my heart, because it’s safe with Him. I don’t have to worry about working 24/7 because His will, will provide a way for me, He will give me my work, and the work will be for Him.
Growing up in a Christian home, feeling as though I’ve always known God. I let the Holy Spirit into my life. I had a conscious. I had conviction. Also, I had a flesh, and my flesh didn’t understand the world yet. When the pain of feeling not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough rushes into your life and you begin to experience the world and things don’t go the way you planned. When you don’t guard your heart, for all things come from it, your heart hardens. Maybe it’s not clear why your heart hardens, it doesn’t make sense to us all, because we don’t have the experience or the wisdom yet. We are responsible for the hardening of our own hearts, when we decide to commit adultery, when we decide to covet our neighbor, when we decide to live in sin, when we gossip, when we quarrel with one another, when we don’t love our neighbors, when we don’t love…ourselves. We want to protect our hearts, and in doing so we close our hearts off. To God, to friends, to family… to “love” and getting out of sin, getting out of a hardened heart, is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
And let me tell you something, it’s not over yet. God is still working on me. Maybe you have been through similar, and he’s still working on you too.
Life is a lifelong lesson book, God is the author, when we stray off the path he provides, he doesn’t leave us, but we decide with our flesh and our sin, he has given us the choice and the right to go our own ways. When we accept Him back, He never left us, He was always watching and waiting for our return. He will literally leave the 99 for the 1.
Every time I felt God had turned his back on me, yes, it was me that turned my back. Every time I seek him, I find him. Just as he has promised.
Through the darkest days, through my hardest battles, I have found joy. Joy in wisdom, Joy in calling on God to keep me. Having faith when things seem grim, that God’s will, will become of my situation.
Learning to give God control is hard for so many of us. Understanding that with worry, we are doubting him, not just ourselves. Full submission. Reading about God’s glory, His peace and joy, love and forgiveness, is beyond our understanding. Following the word of God, and allowing Him in, and feeling His power yourself, is beyond all words and understanding. It’s out of the capacity of our minds. The feeling is that of none other.
When Christ was on earth, He put before himself, others. Now let me tell you, I have not mastered putting others before myself. I have yet to master laying my ego aside. We are to love others as Christ has loved us. The trouble with Christianity isn’t necessarily that the church doesn’t “ACT RIGHT” it’s that we don’t ‘preach’ the gospel in a way that people understand that just because we are Christian’s does not mean we are perfect and everlasting light that represents Christ. That is the goal! We should seek God every day to be our best selves and to be most Christ like. Just because you think people have double standards, does not mean Christianity is not the way and the light. It just means people aren’t perfect examples of love, but Christ is. We are all his children, and we are all in desperate need of his perfect love.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13
This is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:10
We have free will to choose to be God’s follower, or not. When we are most weak, we seek Him, and during those times, is when his strength carries us, and then we are most strong. Certainly, any struggle I will conquer with God on my side. I will do His will, no matter how difficult, because I know he is there to lift me up.
Hope this helps you. Prayers and love!
Please reach out with any stories, questions or needs.
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